By JAMES MELVILLE This is the first year I haven’t made up a movie to review for April Fool’s Day. I decided to write about The Hunger Games instead, because it’s more culturally relevant. The Hunger Games (2012): Plot: In the future, some kind of global conflict has collapsed America and replaced it with the [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE I’m really hoping that by the time you guys read this, it’ll be less than 80 f*cking degrees outside. Yeah, I’m that guy. 21 Jump Street (2012): Plot: Two ridiculously immature cops, Jenko (Channing Tatum) and Schmidt (Jonah Hill) are given an undercover assignment in a high school. Their mission is to [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Although I didn’t actually watch the Oscars, I did refresh the IMDB homepage for a few hours while I did homework. Because I’m a professional. The Artist (2011): The Plot: In 1927 Hollywood, silent film star George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) struggles to find a purpose when the advent of sound makes him [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!* Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012): The plot: Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage), a.k.a. Ghost Rider, is cursed to seek out evil and destroy it, which he can only do when he’s in the form of a flaming, leather-clad skeleton. Since the Ghost Rider part of him interprets “evil doers” as “pretty [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE We’re three weeks into the semester. No, wait. Four? I don’t know anymore. All time has faded away in this haze of caffeine and inconsistent weather. I waded through an ocean of surrealist clocks on my way to class this morning. Note to self: look out window before choosing footwear. Ed Wood [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE So…the Super Bowl happened, I guess. Giants vs. the, um…the Yankees? Yeah, I got nothing. The Grey (2011): The Plot: In the frozen, desolate wasteland that is Alaska, an oil-drilling team fights to survive after a plane crash strands them in the wilderness. Leading them is Ottway (Liam Neeson), a man driven [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Well, we’ve been back for, like, two weeks now, so we can probably get through this column without talking about how our breaks went. I’d prefer to discuss something a little more interesting, like the weather. Hey, speaking of all that snow we had earlier… The Thing (1982): Yeah, I went there. [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE My, oh my, I do believe the time has come. What time? No, not Hammer Time. It’s never Hammer Time. Not with that attitude, it isn’t. No, I’m talking about finals week. Papers, exams, portfolios, frenzied battles to the death. Feeling stressed? Believe me, I would sympathize if I weren’t so caught [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Immortals (2011): The Plot: Theseus (Henry Cavill) is an angry, muscle-y peasant warrior chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans) to lead mankind in the fight against the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke). Fighting ensues. Man, does everybody remember how awful this looked? Like, yet another sepia-toned ab-fest, or the bastard child of 300 [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE I generally like to open with some vaguely topical reference, which is a lot easier to do when something like Halloween is going on. So…you guys like mustaches? I hear Movember’s going pretty well. By “hear” I of course mean “see,” because it’s easier to view the parade of gross facial hair [...]
