Well, it’s time for something other than Thanksgiving.
Being that special time of year when gift giving is appreciated but premature, Christmas ads are abundant, and you hate school. Not to be outdone, this Boot and Paddle is a buyer’s guide to all the best outdoor gifts for this season. What follows are several of the hottest trends and most utilitarian fads around:
Once. Fanny packs ruled the world. Babies were kept in them; they made the lack of pockets in Lycra pants manageable; and they also made you look good. Now fanny packs are laughed at by Aussies (where fanny refers to a female’s genitals), denigrated by bro’s, and generally misunderstood. You people need to understand: fanny packs are the answer to most of our upper-middle class problems! You can spot a fanny pack (AKA fellow affluent) from a mile away; you can hold things in them like beer, keys, and the DUI you just got; and best of all your back doesn’t need to get sweaty, and your pockets don’t need to overflow to do it! I say we all invest in butt-packs today.
Duce. The poncho owns the outdoors. Cousin to the anorak, the poncho was originally sold as “bandit-wear,” But after Poncho Villa got a hold of ‘em, they took his name for eternity. Noted for their warmth and versatility, ponchos should be a go-to item in every person’s wardrobe. Is it a blanket? Is it a robe? We’ll never really know, but a good wool poncho – or any kind for that matter – deserves and gets popular school personality Ted Cooke’s full endorsement.
Truce. The moustache rules all. Adaptable, unique, multitalented: the moustache has been making a prominent return to fame on the upper lips of outdoors women and men everywhere. They keep you warm, they filter food, they look good, and they need a home. Everything you do can and will improve with this Swiss-army-knife of a gift. So give one to yourself, or a friend this holiday season.
Farce. The final piece of gear for this season, voted on by all of the Boot and Paddle team, is the classic and newly reinvented Oozinator from Super-Soaker. Think of the bears you could scare away with one of these bad boys. Yeah… bears.
I hope that this pointless use of our time together has influenced you all on what gifts to give for Christma – I mean season time.
Note: Following the lead set by Lance Armstrong Monthly, that epitome of true outdoors enthusiasm and legitimacy, the Boot and Paddle will be changing its name to “Lance Armstrong Weekly.” The change will occur next week, though just like Lance Armstrong Monthly (once called Outside magazine) we had a hard time picking between “The Most Expensive and Biased Buyers Guide Available in Periodical Form” and “I Hate This Magazine.” Runners up included “Men’s Health. Only Outside,” and “Look How the Pathetic (Outdoor Industry) Have Fallen.”