Well, this is it. You won’t ever have to read the crap I write again. And you know what? I learned something from this column. I learned that no matter how much you extort the Hill News staff, no matter how much you pay your way into prominent writing positions, no matter how incredibly funny, witty, smart and cool your writing is, you just can’t gain notoriety in this school.
I had planned on this making me incredibly popular. That didn’t happen. The only people who liked the column were my friends. And you know what? (I like that phrase) It just doesn’t feel the same when you have to pay people to tell you that you’re funny. God, I was so dumb. I should have realized that this isn’t the way to get famous. Of course you can be a kind, genuinely funny person, or you can do what I’m going to. I’m going to just buy a whole bunch of booze for everyone.
I’m going to Thailand next semester, and I’m pretty cool with that, but it feels like all my hard work up until now was a waste. I tried. I tried to incite some response, to excite some emotions, but all my efforts were in vain. I’ve been thinking about going out with a bang, a whimper, even a large outrageous party, but that won’t work. I know now that I must simply stalk people.
You who leave your Facebook settings open so I can look at your photos without friending you. You who don’t shred your paper documents, or leave your computer in the library without signing out. You who show your face in public, thereby giving me the right to photograph you. You know who you are. You might not be able to put a beautiful, sexy face to my name, but you will feel my friendship wrath.
Deal with it.