By JAMES MELVILLE
This week, our Arts & Entertainment Editor shares his top five tunes to play while surfing that wave of energy straight through to graduation.
Were you planning on getting drunk this weekend? That’s adorable. As if any of us had the time. Alcohol is a depressant. That shit slows you down. What’s the solution? That’s right. Caffeine.
1) “Showtime” –Electric Six, I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being the Master
“Get out on the floor, do things to make them adore you. Show ‘em why you were born, and put a little mustard on it!”
You’re just getting started, and you want to make your intentions known. This paper/project/presentation/thing made the mistake of dropping a gauntlet, and it’s time for you to show it who’s boss.
This is one of the best Getting Pumped songs of all time. It’s cocky, it’s weird, it’s everything you’re going to be by the end of the night. So put a little mustard on that mustard, and have another cup of coffee.
2) “America, F*ck Yeah” –Matt Stone & Trey Parker, Team America: World Police
The caffeine is doing its work nicely. You feel energetic, like you could take on the world. That “f*ck yeah mother*cker” feeling is taking hold, but it’s still focused. You’re getting work done!
This song makes you feel like kicking ass, but it’s also a satire, so it makes you feel smart. Smart is good, since you’re trying to do work. Of course, the song is also funny, and now is a great time to have a sense of humor. Your energy levels are still rising. How long do you think it’ll be before the caffeine takes control? When it does, it’ll erode your focus until your sense of reality is so warped that you long for the calm and security of a Twilight Zone episode. It’s too late to get off now. Hold on tight…
3) “Attack of the 60 Ft. Lesbian Octopus” –Does It Offend You, Yeah?, You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into
You’re starting to feel really intense, and maybe a little sweaty. Your brain is moving faster than your fingers can type. You ask yourself: “where do I go from here?”
That’s a stupid question, because you’re past the point of no return. You’re one cup of coffee away from being able to see through time.
I’m pretty sure that the build for the first fifteen seconds of this song is just the sound of reality ripping apart. After that, it’s like a 50s sci-fi movie on crack. Keyboards! That one instrument that makes the flying saucer noises! An engine of guitars and drums propelling you into the center of some undiscovered planet!
Well, you’ve lost control. The focus is gone. You’ve been watching British comedy skits on Youtube for half an hour, and your movie review is feeling sadly neglected.
You didn’t think that it would be all up, did you? We’re not coming down from the high just yet, but the caffeine is about to take you to some weird places.
4) P*ssy All Night –Mindless Self Indulgence, Tight
You don’t know what’s going on anymore. How did you get here? Why is everything moving so fast? Can you fly? You want to karate chop everything in sight.
It’s hard to explain this song. It’s kind of like the musical version of watching someone get high and…karate chop everything in sight.
That’s some pretty energizing shit, right there.
5) “Immigrant Song” –Karen O, Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
You’re still wired, but not in the way you were before. The night is getting surreal. Is the Student Center always this empty at one o’clock? You never noticed this, but all the staircases remind you of Inception. Oh my God, are you dreaming? Why are there so many windows? All you can see outside is black. Are you underwater? In some kind of void? You’re looking pale. Maybe you’re already dead.
“Welcome to the land of the ice and snow,” indeed. You’re trapped in the barren wasteland of your own mind, warped beyond recognition by caffeine and sleep-deprivation.
You’re staring into the abyss now, and you can only hope it blinks first.