By JAMES MELVILLE Yeah, I know this came out a few months ago. I didn’t get to see it, because I was LOST IN TIME or in London or wherever the hell I told you I was last semester. But I finally rented it, so guess who gets to hear what I thought about it? [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Apparently, Plan “Only Review Halloween Movies For a Month” has been scrapped for Plan “Review Whatever’s In My Netflix Queue.” Then again, I guess prison’s pretty scary. There’s a fair amount of prison in the movie. Oh, and the gays. The movie is about a gay conman. Those gays, man. Frightening. They’re…pushing [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE The Village (2004): The Plot: In an isolated valley settlement in the 1800s, Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) the blind yet willful daughter of Edward Walker (William Hurt), one of the village Elders, falls in love with Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix), a solemn young man who wants to travel through the Forbidden [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Hey kids, guess what? It’s about October, and we all know what that means. For the next month, I’ll be reviewing movies that are spooky. I hope you’ve all started thinking about your Halloween costumes. Mine actually came to me in a dream while I was in London. That means it’s fate. [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Drive (2011): The Plot: Hollywood stunt driver by day, criminal wheelman by night, a quiet man known only as Driver (Ryan Gosling) befriends his neighbor Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her young son Benicio (Kaden Leos). Things get complicated when Irene’s husband Standard (Oscar Isaac) returns from prison, owing protection money to some [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE “You don’t butt in line! You don’t sell drugs! You don’t molest little children! You don’t profit off the misery of others! The rules were set a long time ago! They don’t change!” -Crimson Bolt, Super Super (2010): The Plot: Frank (Rainn Wilson) is a diner cook who’s been picked on all [...]
By James Melville My goodness, two weeks in and I’m actually still reviewing movies in theaters. As my twelve die-hard fans will know, that’s freaking amazing. Don’t get used to it. Also, holla to my boy Hans Gruber. Anyway, on with the show. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011): The Plot: Eight-year-old Sally [...]
By James Melville Well, summer’s pretty much over. Now we can get into cold weather and dead leaves, which are just a few of my favorite things. Along with kittens and whatever the hell else my target audience thinks is cute. See? I’m just like you. Speaking of things we have in common, I bet [...]
I’d make some comment about the weather at St. Lawrence, but that’s totally not where I am right now. That’s right: I’m randomly travelling through time as a result of SCIENCE GONE WRONG. Right now, I’m writing from THE FUTURE. Is it amazing? Why, yes, it certainly is. They have jetpacks, and everybody flies around [...]
Now, I’ve been noticing a lot these days that religion is going out of fashion. Christmas, like most other holidays, is becoming more and more about buying stuff that you don’t need. I’m all for presents, but only if they actually mean something. Notice how December 25th isn’t called “Presents Day?” That’s because it’s about [...]
