By JAMES MELVILLE We’re three weeks into the semester. No, wait. Four? I don’t know anymore. All time has faded away in this haze of caffeine and inconsistent weather. I waded through an ocean of surrealist clocks on my way to class this morning. Note to self: look out window before choosing footwear. Ed Wood [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE So…the Super Bowl happened, I guess. Giants vs. the, um…the Yankees? Yeah, I got nothing. The Grey (2011): The Plot: In the frozen, desolate wasteland that is Alaska, an oil-drilling team fights to survive after a plane crash strands them in the wilderness. Leading them is Ottway (Liam Neeson), a man driven [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Well, we’ve been back for, like, two weeks now, so we can probably get through this column without talking about how our breaks went. I’d prefer to discuss something a little more interesting, like the weather. Hey, speaking of all that snow we had earlier… The Thing (1982): Yeah, I went there. [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE My, oh my, I do believe the time has come. What time? No, not Hammer Time. It’s never Hammer Time. Not with that attitude, it isn’t. No, I’m talking about finals week. Papers, exams, portfolios, frenzied battles to the death. Feeling stressed? Believe me, I would sympathize if I weren’t so caught [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Immortals (2011): The Plot: Theseus (Henry Cavill) is an angry, muscle-y peasant warrior chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans) to lead mankind in the fight against the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke). Fighting ensues. Man, does everybody remember how awful this looked? Like, yet another sepia-toned ab-fest, or the bastard child of 300 [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE I generally like to open with some vaguely topical reference, which is a lot easier to do when something like Halloween is going on. So…you guys like mustaches? I hear Movember’s going pretty well. By “hear” I of course mean “see,” because it’s easier to view the parade of gross facial hair [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Yeah, I know this came out a few months ago. I didn’t get to see it, because I was LOST IN TIME or in London or wherever the hell I told you I was last semester. But I finally rented it, so guess who gets to hear what I thought about it? [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Apparently, Plan “Only Review Halloween Movies For a Month” has been scrapped for Plan “Review Whatever’s In My Netflix Queue.” Then again, I guess prison’s pretty scary. There’s a fair amount of prison in the movie. Oh, and the gays. The movie is about a gay conman. Those gays, man. Frightening. They’re…pushing [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE Well, so much for only reviewing Halloween-type movies. Then again, anybody ever gone trick or treating as a robot? You? Great. We’re in the clear. Speaking of Halloween, are you guys as excited for the next week as I am? Humans vs. Zombies, Dracula, Shakespeare…all culminating in a weekend filled with candy, [...]
By JAMES MELVILLE The Village (2004): The Plot: In an isolated valley settlement in the 1800s, Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) the blind yet willful daughter of Edward Walker (William Hurt), one of the village Elders, falls in love with Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix), a solemn young man who wants to travel through the Forbidden [...]
